A super genius goes in to see a doctor. "Doc," the genius says, "I think I´m too smart. I´m having trouble even communicating with people because we have no common frame of reference, and it´s ruining my social life. Can anything be done?"
Saturday 30 April 2011
Funny Insurance Quotes
Last week I bought a retirement policy. All I´ve got to do is keep up the payments for 15 years and my agent can retire.
I thought my group insurance plan was fine until I discovered that I couldn´t collect until the whole group is sick.
I bought a new life insurance policy but the small print is impossible to understand. All I´m sure of is that after I die, I can stop paying.
Life insurance is really strange. It´s a weird concept. You really don´t get anything for it. It works like this: You pay me money. And when you die, I´ll pay you money.
Buying insurance is what keeps people poor so that they can end up dying rich.
I thought my group insurance plan was fine until I discovered that I couldn´t collect until the whole group is sick.
I bought a new life insurance policy but the small print is impossible to understand. All I´m sure of is that after I die, I can stop paying.
Life insurance is really strange. It´s a weird concept. You really don´t get anything for it. It works like this: You pay me money. And when you die, I´ll pay you money.
Buying insurance is what keeps people poor so that they can end up dying rich.
Genie Grants Insurance Salsman His Wish
A insurance sales rep, an insurance administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the insurance admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She´s gone.
They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I´ll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the insurance admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She´s gone.
Friday 22 April 2011
The Insurance Agent And The Genie
An insurance agent walking along the beach found a bottle.
When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."
When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But since Satan still hates me, for every wish you make, your rival gets the wish as well -- only double."
Health Insurance Salesman Get's a Taste of Karma
When a young health insurance salesman met his untimely end, he was informed that he had a choice about where he would spend his eternity: Heaven or Hell. He was allowed to visit both places, and then make his decision afterwards.
"I´ll see Heaven first," said the health insurance salesman, and an angel led him through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to an eternity of musical produce.
"I´ll see Heaven first," said the health insurance salesman, and an angel led him through the gates on a private tour. Inside it was very peaceful and serene, and all the people there were playing harps and eating grapes. It looked very nice, but the salesman was not about to make a decision that could very well condemn him to an eternity of musical produce.
Wednesday 20 April 2011
Insurance Lyrmick
This is a short lyrmick about an insurance man who goes to heaven.
Last night as I lay sleeping, I died or so it seemed,
Then I went to heaven, but only in my dream.
Up there St. Peter met me, standing at the pearly gates,
He said "I must check your record, please stand here and wait."
Last night as I lay sleeping, I died or so it seemed,
Then I went to heaven, but only in my dream.
Up there St. Peter met me, standing at the pearly gates,
He said "I must check your record, please stand here and wait."
Insurance Agent Self Study Exam Joke
A state adopts strict new insurance self study CE requirements for its insurance agents. The tests they now require are very difficult, can take no more than an hour to complete, and must be taken at a certified testing center.
On the first day of the new requirements, an insurance agent wanders into a testing center a half hour late.
"You´ll never finish this test on time," the test administrator coldly states.
"Just give me the test," replies the insurance agent, "I´ll finish it."
Suspiciously, the administrator gives the insurance agent the test.
The time limit comes and passes and yet the insurance agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the insurance agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.
"You can´t turn that in," states the test administrator, "you knew there was a time limit."
"Do you know who I am?" replies the insurance agent.
"No", says the administrator.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" the insurance agent says more forcefully.
"No, and I really don´t care" replies the administrator, slightly annoyed.
"Good," says the insurance agent, who quickly shoves his test into the middle of the stack the administrator is correcting and walks out the door.
On the first day of the new requirements, an insurance agent wanders into a testing center a half hour late.
"You´ll never finish this test on time," the test administrator coldly states.
"Just give me the test," replies the insurance agent, "I´ll finish it."
Suspiciously, the administrator gives the insurance agent the test.
The time limit comes and passes and yet the insurance agent still has not completed the test. Finally, a half hour after the test time limit, the insurance agent brings his test up to the administrator, who is correcting a large stack of tests.
"You can´t turn that in," states the test administrator, "you knew there was a time limit."
"Do you know who I am?" replies the insurance agent.
"No", says the administrator.
"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM???" the insurance agent says more forcefully.
"No, and I really don´t care" replies the administrator, slightly annoyed.
"Good," says the insurance agent, who quickly shoves his test into the middle of the stack the administrator is correcting and walks out the door.
Monday 18 April 2011
5 Travel Insurance Jokes
Travel Insurance Joke No. 1
An accountant, a secretary and a travel insurance salesman are travelling together through a rural area. Tired, they drive up to a small country inn. The owner tells them he only has one room vacant with two beds, so somebody will have to sleep in the barn for the night. The secretary draws the short straw and heads out to the barn while the others go to sleep. In less than an hour they are woken up by a knock at the door. It s the secretary, who complains, There is a pig in the barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep near an unclean beast.
An accountant, a secretary and a travel insurance salesman are travelling together through a rural area. Tired, they drive up to a small country inn. The owner tells them he only has one room vacant with two beds, so somebody will have to sleep in the barn for the night. The secretary draws the short straw and heads out to the barn while the others go to sleep. In less than an hour they are woken up by a knock at the door. It s the secretary, who complains, There is a pig in the barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep near an unclean beast.
Sunday 17 April 2011
Marry a Health Insurance Agent Joke
A woman was in hospital after feeling very ill.
The doctor says to her, “I have some very bad news for you. You only have three months to live.”
“Oh that’s awful,” the woman sighs, “what will I do?”
The doctor replies, “Marry a health insurance agent.”
“Will that make me live longer?” asks the ill woman.
“No,” replies the doctor, “but it will SEEM much longer.”
The doctor says to her, “I have some very bad news for you. You only have three months to live.”
“Oh that’s awful,” the woman sighs, “what will I do?”
The doctor replies, “Marry a health insurance agent.”
“Will that make me live longer?” asks the ill woman.
“No,” replies the doctor, “but it will SEEM much longer.”
Army Life Insurance Joke
Airman Smithy was assigned to the army induction center, where he advised new army recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI life insurance policies.
It wasn’t long before Captain Brown noticed that Airman Smithy was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling army life insurance to nearly 100% of the army recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Smithy’ life insurance sales pitch.
Smithy explained the basics of the GI life insurance policy to the new army recruits, and then said: “If you have the GI life insurance policy and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI life insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.
Now,” he concluded, “which group of soldiers do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
It wasn’t long before Captain Brown noticed that Airman Smithy was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling army life insurance to nearly 100% of the army recruits he advised.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Smithy’ life insurance sales pitch.
Smithy explained the basics of the GI life insurance policy to the new army recruits, and then said: “If you have the GI life insurance policy and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have GI life insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6,000.
Now,” he concluded, “which group of soldiers do you think they are going to send into battle first?”
Thursday 14 April 2011
Revenge On Insurance Company
This is a classic and made me laugh myself silly when I heard it! I don't know if it's true or not but it made me smile!
An insurance salesman thought he had come up with the perfect way of getting revenge on the insurance company that he'd been working for, for almost 20 years after they made him take early retirement.
Saturday 9 April 2011
5 Longish jokes about Insurance jokes
Here's 5 longish jokes about Insurance salesmen.
Mr. John Mumford III, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:
"I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."
Mr. Mumford died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.
On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed
"I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Mumford, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It's what he would have wanted".
Then the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Mumford. We needed that money to help more homeless, and it's what Mr. Mumford would've wanted".
The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: "I can't believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Mumford a check for the full $30,000!
Mr. John Mumford III, was a rich old man was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher:
"I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you $30,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me."
Mr. Mumford died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest.
On the way from the funeral, in the limo, the doctor confessed
"I must tell you gentlemen, I only put $20,000 on top of Mr. Mumford, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It's what he would have wanted".
Then the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put $10,000 on top of Mr. Mumford. We needed that money to help more homeless, and it's what Mr. Mumford would've wanted".
The insurance agent was angry at both the man, and said: "I can't believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Mumford a check for the full $30,000!
Thursday 7 April 2011
More Funny Insurance Claims
Here's some more funny insurance claims people have put on their insurance claim forums to explain what caused their accidents.
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
"I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
"A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
Funny Insurance Claims
These are real examples of some of the funny insurance claims people have put on their car insurance claim forum to explain how the accident happened.
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
"The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
"The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
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